18 Things Nobody Told Me About Pregnancy

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Pregnancy is awesome! You create a tiny human who is the roly-poly adorable amalgam of you and the love of your life. Of course it takes 9 long months to meet your new bundle of poopy joy, and my friends, there are MANY surprises that occur during those 9 months that none of your friends, family or those informative pregnancy books tell you about.

For instance, I’m currently 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I went to the doctor today at which time he checked my cervix for the first time. If you’re wondering, I’m 2 cm dilated! While he was checking my lady parts I discovered something—it freaking hurts! Seriously, it felt like he was trying to reach my throat through my vagina.

This prompted the stream of thought into all of the other things about pregnancy that I knew nothing about because nobody warned me nor did I read in any book. Let’s examine the good, the bad, the funny and the gross things that made me think, “Why didn’t anybody warn me?”

  1. Flatulence. You will have what seems like an infinite amount of gas. Where does it come from? That is a mystery, but know that you will have no control over it. If you were one of those girly girls who always held in her toots until she was alone, kiss those days goodbye. You literally turn into a walking symphony and after a while, you just shrug your shoulders, excuse yourself, and continue doing whatever it was you were doing without skipping a beat.

  2. Discharge. I recommend panty liners unless you want to sit in squishy undies all day.

  3. Morning sickness. Can we petition to have this term scratched altogether? Not only does it occur in the 1st trimester, and in the morning, but may also persist throughout your entire pregnancy AND all day long.

  4. Constipation. Miralax will become your booty’s best friend.

  5. Your boobs turn into massive melons. They grow ridiculously large and if that wasn’t weird enough, the areolas also expand and turn a creepy dark color. This is for the purpose of helping a newborn find the nipple for breastfeeding, but it is still strange (and somewhat depressing) watching your once pert breasts make this drastic transformation.

  6. Crying. A lot. Sometimes there’s a reason, most of the time there isn’t. I once balled because I saw two squirrels grooming each other and thought it was SOOO cute; apparently cute enough to cry over.

  7. The 2nd trimester is odd. You’re still in the pregnant or fat stage, but you definitely feel pregnant. Oh, and it is deemed the “best trimester” but this is not true for everyone. I was fatigued quite often.

  8. Another likelihood about the 2nd trimester is that you will develop the libido of a teenage boy. I’m talking frat boy on spring break, horndog status.

  9. You sprout hair. Everywhere.

  10. Congestion. Congratulations, you are now a mouth breather. If you’ve never been one to snore, you are now. Often you will wake yourself up from the volume and notice you’re lying in a pool of slobber. Sexy.

  11. Sleep? What is that?

  12. Beware of sneezing and/or laughing in the 3rd trimester. You will pee. It’s going to happen. Be prepared.

  13. Crazy dreams. When I say crazy, I’m talking images that make Stephen King stories look like Bambi. If you’ve ever wondered what an acid trip feels like, chances are pregnancy dreams will give you some insight.

  14. Feeling the baby move about is surreal and exhilarating, but it can also hurt. Especially if it’s positioned on your sciatic nerve or hanging out really low in your pelvis.

  15. Don’t freak out if you don’t feel the baby move for a while. Normally if you drink something cold or something with a bit of sugar, your little nugget will start moving and grooving again in no time.

  16. Killer heartburn. Zantac is a Godsend.

  17. You will become so clumsy Mr. Bean looks agile compared to you.

  18. Brain fart aka pregnancy brain. Whatever you call it, it is legitimate. You will lose your phone and your keys at least 5 times a day. Some days talking is the most frustrating task as you fail to find the proper words to express yourself and essentially end up speaking Klingon.

From now on, I’m doing every expectant mother I know a favor and telling it like it is!

So, what were some things about pregnancy that you were unaware of?

5 thoughts on “18 Things Nobody Told Me About Pregnancy

  1. SO true. I’m only starting week 16 on Monday, but so many of these are ringing true. Congestion is kicking my butt for the last while and caused a sore throat- it just feels like a terrible cold, which on top of pregnancy, stinks quite a bit. The crying… oh my Gosh… I’m watching Everybody Loves Raymond and I’m crying my eyes out. And I thought Friends was bad… oy.

    Great list!

    Like

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